I lost 10 pounds in 4 Days!

Yup, you read that title correctly.

I’ve lost 10 pounds in 4 days!

What is this magic diet that I’ve gone on to give me this amazing result? It’s called the ‘I Can’t Keep Down a Dang Thing I Eat Because Adhesions Suck Monkey Butt Diet’.

I was just released from the hospital after a 4 day run with this amazing little diet, y’all. Just in case you’ve wondered where I’ve been, and maybe even missed me a little, that’s where I’ve been. In the hospital…’dieting’.

You see, once you’ve had any sort of abdominal surgery – scar tissue forms & they’re called ‘adhesions’. If you ever see a photo of adhesions, they kinda look like un-appetizing spaghetti. I’m telling you this so next time you eat a big ol’ bowl of spaghetti, you think of this post…. and me… and you can be like…’Thanks Mrs. Happy Homemaker! I can never eat spaghetti again!’. You’re welcome.

Anyhoos….

Adhesions are annoying little buttwipes who like to invade your every existence… that, or wrap around your intestines making it impossible for you to *ahem* have bathroom time.  They also like for you to puke up every single thing you try to eat. Want a sip of water?  Too bad.  Mr. Adhesion says screw that. You ain’t drinking a darn thing.  You want a piece of cake? Mr. Adhesion laughs at you in a really evil kind of way. Then, Mr. Adhesion starts stabbing you in the belly with a machete 100x a second.

Mr. Adhesion is a dirtbag, y’all.

And you know what his sole mission is? He wants you to have surgery to have him & all his little inbred cousins removed.  Why?  Well, because that’s how Mr. Adhesion reproduces.  Each time you have a surgery to have Mr. Adhesion removed – Mr. Adhesion twirls his evil pasta shaped mustache & laughs. You know – like muahahahahaha.  All evil villain like.  You think you just fixed your problem by having him & all his cousins removed but instead you’ve just given them all permission to procreate in your belly & party with your intestines.

Good times.

Swimsuit season is right around the corner guys! Get you some adhesions today! 😉

(ok, so I’m being sarcastic. Don’t get yourself any adhesions today, or tomorrow, or next year.  They’re nothing but sons of motherless goats. That extra 10 pounds looks good on you anyways!)