Getting my Foot Back in the Door
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Hi y’all. Crystal here. I know I’ve been away for a while, and I’ve been meaning to post something sooner. But, I’m here now and I’m attempting to get my foot back in the door over here in the blogging world. I appreciate every last one of y’all for continuing to be here and I am still knocked away at the amount of support that has come thru and how many of my fabulous blogging community members stood up to help me out in my time of need.
I never expected I’d be gone for 3 months, but today marks 3 months since my husband passed away so I know it’s been that long. I am so thankful for my many blogging friends who have held down the fort during all of that time… 3 months gone definitely wasn’t my intention though.. Â It doesn’t even feel like 3 months. Some days it feels like it’s been just a day or two, and I kinda expect him to walk thru the door at any time and hug me…and some days it feels like it’s been years.
I am absolutely horrible at dealing with loss… I always have been. I’ve lost grandparents and I’ve lost my biological daddy, and I didn’t exactly handle either of those very well at all. Losing Michael has been 100x worse on me. I’ve isolated myself from the whole world, even some of my closest friends. I know it’s not healthy, I’m trying to poke my head out of my hole, it’s just a little easier said than done. It’s like, when people are around, I feel like I have to plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend like I’m ok – but when no one is around, I don’t have to pretend. I can just cry. Michael was my best friend. We’d been together since we were teens & had both seen each other at our absolute worst, but loved one another anyway. That’s something you don’t find every day…and accepting that’s now gone is super hard.
How do you put into words how much you miss someone that you shared everything with?Â
The hardest thing of all of this is having your heart broken because your husband has passed really young but also having your heart broken again by seeing the pain in your 3 kids faces, and knowing there’s nothing you can do to fix it. Ethan makes comments sometimes about how his father looked when they found him that day…he’s 5. I can’t even tell you how heartwrenching that is to hear. Just me typing that one sentence sent the tears streaming down my face. There’s no other words to describe it… it just absolutely sucks.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to focus my attention on moving. It’s SO soon to move, but with our kids finding his body in there… the house didn’t feel right anymore and we all just wanted out. So, that’s what we did. We moved closer to my parents & I think that’s probably the best thing for myself and my kids right now.
The new house is 10 minutes from my parents, and while it’s definitely nothing fancy, we really do like it so far. I will make a post with some pictures once I get everything unpacked – right now there’s boxes everywhere, as I’m sure you can imagine! I haven’t moved in many, many years…and I have no idea how I accumulated so much. Ok, so maybe I do know… it probably had something to do with my shopping habit 😉 I think my favorite thing about the new place is that across the street, there’s a horse pasture with a lot of horses. The area is pretty quiet, and sitting on the front porch with my morning coffee watching those horses brings me a little peace…and is my favorite part of the day right now.
There are still guest posts scheduled out for the remainder of this month, but I’m going to pop my head in with some posts too and work on this whole getting my foot back in the door. I think that beginning to come back will be good for me and will be good for my kids to see me doing.
I love you all so much. ~Crystal
Happy that you are back! I can’t imagine what you are going through, I really can’t. I can tell you that you are in my thoughts, often. I hope things continue to get easier with time, although I know there are no words to ease the pain.
Love you girl <3 I wait to hear more about the new house. See you soon, friend!
So heartbroken for you and your family, losing a husband and father. Everybody grieves differently and at their own pace, take your time and do what you need to. Your real family and friends will understand and be there to support you when you are ready. Sounds like moving closer to your parents and away was a good decision for your family. I pray for your continued strength and progress. You may never heal completely, but it will get easier to live with your heartbreak as time goes on. When it rains, look for the rainbows. When its dark, look for the stars. One day at a time.
Glad you are back! Your post was awesome to read. 😉
Welcome back, Crystal. I still think about you so very often and I’m sad you’re not just down the road anymore but incredibly happy that you’re close to your parents and with your babies. Grief is such an ever-changing thing. You may feel awful inside, but you are loved and cherished out here. Love, hugs, prayers and well-wishes to you!
Take as much time as you need my friend. It will all be here for you when you are ready to get back into the swing of things. Hugs and strength to you and the kids. XOXO
Thanks for surfacing. I’ve worried about you.
I’m glad you find peace watching the horses. More will come in time.
Allow yourself whatever time you need. Sounds like you have a support system use it. Good idea moving and beginning new memories
I’ve thought about you these past few months. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m glad you found it in you to re-surface. One day at a time… I’m glad you have the horses 🙂
Lots and lots of hugs and prayers for you and the kids. Happy to hear you are in a new place and taking time to be gentle to yourself.
I’m so sorry . I cried just reading your post. My heart breaks for you and your children. My husband had lived with his father growing up and when he was 17 he found his father passed away in the house. That was almost 6 years ago and it is still heartbreaking
I can only offer prayers for you and your children. I pray God will guide you with comfort and peace.
I have imagined how I might deal with it if my husband goes before me, but I know that imagining and reality are no where near the same. You know what? You are broken right now, so just remember that your close friends are the ones that can handle you being broken, and stand by you while you try to heal. I’m so very sorry for your loss, and will keep you and your kids in my prayers. And I will pray for those tiny pockets of time where you are not being crushed by grief, and can feel that it’s ok to smile and enjoy life.
I’m so sorry for your loss! I can’t imagine how you feel. Please take the time you need to heal. My prayers are with you and family.
May God bless you and bring you and your children peace…We do not know one another but I am so very sad to read of your loss. I stumbled on your blog some time ago and have enjoyed reading your posts and trying some of your recipes. I have the funniest story relating to your Bacon Jalapeño Popper grilled cheese sandwiches and your enchilada meat recipe is my all time favorite “go to” recipe. Thank you!!!!…Your blog has enriched my families dining experiences and I appreciate you so very much. ……My heart breaks at the thought of you and your children learning to live life in a new way…Please know that you are loved and supported far and wide and we are praying for you.
I, too, have lost my husband, my best friend. Prayers for you and the family. They are gone but never forgotten. I know how hard it is. I found my biggest comfort came from working. Got my mind off my grief for a short time. God bless you and the family.
Continuing to pray for you and your kids. I’m so glad to see you here, again, and whatever your timeline … it’s perfect. God bless you, Crystal. Much love to you.
Bless you – hugs & prayers!
Keeping you and your children in my thoughts. <3
Brooke at http://www.brookeblogs.com
Love you girl!!! I think about you constantly. I feel horrible for what you’ve been through and are still going through. Let me know if you ever need anything at all. Hugs!
Hang in there, Michael lives on in your children. Take one day at a time, remember love surrounds you.
God Bless you Crystal, you and your children. What you are going through is (although unique for yourselves) what many of us have gone through as well. I hope you can get back into the blog (& forgive yourself for not being home when Michael died) not only for yourself but your children as well; it will give you focus on something outside of yourself and that distraction helps. The folks in your world are more than you think because we (the readers/supporters) are here and will do what we can to help you pull through this awful, awful time.
I cannot adequately express my deep sorrow & sympathy for you & your children. I learned a long time ago just to take one day at a time- even when it’s overwhelming. It’s especially true when you have children. My prayers are with you & please know that our God is always with us.
Tammy
Sometimes the first step is the hardest and you’ve already accomplished that! Prayers and hugs for all of you!
I love you too, Crystal. We’re continuing to pray for you and your family on a daily basis. Just take your time and ease yourself back into the blogging. We’re still here and we’re not going anywhere!
Crystal,
I am so sorry for your loss and all that you and your children have been going through. They say it is one itty bitty step at a time but even that is sometimes challenging. You have an incredible support system and hopefully this helps when times are most challenging. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
God Bless you and your family. It is never easy being strong. Just do your best . Hugs.
Crystal, I am so happy to hear back from you. I can totally relate how hard it must be for you to go through all this, but do remember you’re not alone. He is there for you and never forsake you 🙂 And us, too! Stay strong and keep on trusting Him. Hugsss…. (and if you need someone to do guest post, I’m happy to do so).
Every step you have had to take since your husband passed and all your future steps will seem hard and impossible but you will get through them. Keeping you and your children in my thoughts and prayers.
Day by day. Wishing you the best as you stick your head back into the blogging world.
Sweetie! One moment at a time is all you can do and that’s what you are doing. Seeing you “poke” your head into the blogging world just made the sun shine. God heals broken hearts.
Glad your are back; sorry you had to leave for the reason you had to. IT will take time and you will always have your memories with you and at some point those will be more pleasant to remember; it is just so fresh yet. Take care!
I have been reading your blogs. I just ran across the post about the loss of your husband, the father of your children. I can’t begin to know how you feel, but wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you and your children. Prayers are being said for you and your children may you feel God’s loving arms around you he loves you. May God bless you.
Hi Crystal,
So good to hear from you and have you back. It’s a major change you’ve been through losing your hubby and then moving so soon after; but as you said it is for the better and hopefully this will keep you motivated to blog too.
I can understand you; it’s not easy to recover after losing your life partner but you have to do it for your children. Hopefully they will be busy settling into your new home through the Summer and ready for school once Fall comes around.
Keep well, be at peace. Much love
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You are an insperation to me. I lost my husband of 35 years last month. It is so hard to move forward. Thank you for sharing your story with us.