Getting my Foot Back in the Door

Hi y’all. Crystal here. I know I’ve been away for a while, and I’ve been meaning to post something sooner. But, I’m here now and I’m attempting to get my foot back in the door over here in the blogging world. I appreciate every last one of y’all for continuing to be here and I am still knocked away at the amount of support that has come thru and how many of my fabulous blogging community members stood up to help me out in my time of need.

I never expected I’d be gone for 3 months, but today marks 3 months since my husband passed away so I know it’s been that long. I am so thankful for my many blogging friends who have held down the fort during all of that time… 3 months gone definitely wasn’t my intention though..  It doesn’t even feel like 3 months. Some days it feels like it’s been just a day or two, and I kinda expect him to walk thru the door at any time and hug me…and some days it feels like it’s been years.

grief

I am absolutely horrible at dealing with loss… I always have been. I’ve lost grandparents and I’ve lost my biological daddy, and I didn’t exactly handle either of those very well at all. Losing Michael has been 100x worse on me. I’ve isolated myself from the whole world, even some of my closest friends. I know it’s not healthy, I’m trying to poke my head out of my hole, it’s just a little easier said than done. It’s like, when people are around, I feel like I have to plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend like I’m ok – but when no one is around, I don’t have to pretend. I can just cry. Michael was my best friend. We’d been together since we were teens & had both seen each other at our absolute worst, but loved one another anyway. That’s something you don’t find every day…and accepting that’s now gone is super hard.

MY LATEST VIDEOS

How do you put into words how much you miss someone that you shared everything with? 

The hardest thing of all of this is having your heart broken because your husband has passed really young but also having your heart broken again by seeing the pain in your 3 kids faces, and knowing there’s nothing you can do to fix it. Ethan makes comments sometimes about how his father looked when they found him that day…he’s 5. I can’t even tell you how heartwrenching that is to hear. Just me typing that one sentence sent the tears streaming down my face. There’s no other words to describe it… it just absolutely sucks.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to focus my attention on moving. It’s SO soon to move, but with our kids finding his body in there… the house didn’t feel right anymore and we all just wanted out. So, that’s what we did. We moved closer to my parents & I think that’s probably the best thing for myself and my kids right now.

The new house is 10 minutes from my parents, and while it’s definitely nothing fancy, we really do like it so far. I will make a post with some pictures once I get everything unpacked – right now there’s boxes everywhere, as I’m sure you can imagine! I haven’t moved in many, many years…and I have no idea how I accumulated so much. Ok, so maybe I do know… it probably had something to do with my shopping habit 😉 I think my favorite thing about the new place is that across the street, there’s a horse pasture with a lot of horses. The area is pretty quiet, and sitting on the front porch with my morning coffee watching those horses brings me a little peace…and is my favorite part of the day right now.

There are still guest posts scheduled out for the remainder of this month, but I’m going to pop my head in with some posts too and work on this whole getting my foot back in the door. I think that beginning to come back will be good for me and will be good for my kids to see me doing.

I love you all so much. ~Crystal