I lost 10 pounds in 4 Days!
Yup, you read that title correctly.
I’ve lost 10 pounds in 4 days!
What is this magic diet that I’ve gone on to give me this amazing result? It’s called the ‘I Can’t Keep Down a Dang Thing I Eat Because Adhesions Suck Monkey Butt Diet’.
I was just released from the hospital after a 4 day run with this amazing little diet, y’all. Just in case you’ve wondered where I’ve been, and maybe even missed me a little, that’s where I’ve been. In the hospital…’dieting’.
You see, once you’ve had any sort of abdominal surgery – scar tissue forms & they’re called ‘adhesions’. If you ever see a photo of adhesions, they kinda look like un-appetizing spaghetti. I’m telling you this so next time you eat a big ol’ bowl of spaghetti, you think of this post…. and me… and you can be like…’Thanks Mrs. Happy Homemaker! I can never eat spaghetti again!’. You’re welcome.
Adhesions are annoying little buttwipes who like to invade your every existence… that, or wrap around your intestines making it impossible for you to *ahem* have bathroom time. They also like for you to puke up every single thing you try to eat. Want a sip of water? Too bad. Mr. Adhesion says screw that. You ain’t drinking a darn thing. You want a piece of cake? Mr. Adhesion laughs at you in a really evil kind of way. Then, Mr. Adhesion starts stabbing you in the belly with a machete 100x a second.
Mr. Adhesion is a dirtbag, y’all.
And you know what his sole mission is? He wants you to have surgery to have him & all his little inbred cousins removed. Why? Well, because that’s how Mr. Adhesion reproduces. Each time you have a surgery to have Mr. Adhesion removed – Mr. Adhesion twirls his evil pasta shaped mustache & laughs. You know – like muahahahahaha. All evil villain like. You think you just fixed your problem by having him & all his cousins removed but instead you’ve just given them all permission to procreate in your belly & party with your intestines.
Swimsuit season is right around the corner guys! Get you some adhesions today! 😉
(ok, so I’m being sarcastic. Don’t get yourself any adhesions today, or tomorrow, or next year. They’re nothing but sons of motherless goats. That extra 10 pounds looks good on you anyways!)
Er, I’m very happy to hear that you lost weight. Lousy way to go about it I have to admit. BUT having read the piece throughly it still appeals to me more than jogging.
Thank you for that information. So sorry you had to suffer so for it, but its so amazing, the underlying things that hurt us while we’re trying to do good things to our bodies. I pray that someone identifies something that will destroy those evil beings. Take care.
I hate that you were sick, but what a wonderfully funny way to spin it! You have such a beautiful attitude.
Thank you, Toni! I really appreciate that!! 🙂
🙁 so sorry that you had to go through that!
so glad you’re doing well, what an ordeal but down 10 pounds. so glad it all turned well. you really have a way with words.take care
That’s not a fun way to loose weight! Hope you have a speedy recovery.