Strength Comes Later
The last year has been the hardest of my entire life.
2015 started off normal. Actually it started off pretty great. Then – in June, I was involved in a car crash. I hit a semi truck going 45mph & I lived. When I hit the semi, my face impacted with the air bag in my steering wheel – but, right before it did, I saw the angel clip on my sun visor sparkle. Like, it sparkled. It didn’t catch the light… it straight out sparkled. I even wrote about it here a couple days after the accident. It gives me chills now because exactly 1 month later, my husband passed away in his sleep at just 33 years old while I was out of town & he was home with the kids.
Even though I expressed such thankfulness in that article – I published this on my personal facebook account after the accident… and I quote ‘RIP my precious Maxima. You’ve been a GREAT car for 23 years. I cried over the loss of you than I did anything else today’.
Now, I read this and I think – ‘How could I have been SO PETTY?!” It was a freaking car. Mostly metal. Boo-fricken-hoo. :/
My, my…. boy, was life about to put things into perspective for me in a very big way.
1 month to the day later, my husband passed away. Worst day of my life & my kids’ life as you can very well imagine. I can remember every single horrifying moment. Being on the side of the street in NYC, anxiously calling my house to tell my husband I had just found his favorite Chinese tea in Chinatown… only for my kids to go wake him up while they were on the phone with me and find him dead. I can not even put into words the emotions of that day. There are no words to describe the awfulness of it. There just aren’t.
In October, one of my best friends passed away. Then about a week later, my 11 year old cat died from an infection. As I was at the vet’s office, trying to save my cat’s life… my kids called and said our 15 year old dog, Jasmine, was laying in the middle of our floor urinating on herself & growling at everyone who came near. Jasmine was the sweetest dog I’d ever met, so I knew something was seriously wrong. I remember driving home from the vet, where my cat was fighting for his life (and didn’t make it), to come home to scoop my dog up in my arms to take her back to the same vet, knowing all the while I was probably going to have to put her to sleep. I cried that entire day.
2 weeks later, my daughters went out the door to get the Chinese food we had ordered – and found both of our outside dogs dead. We think they were poisoned by someone, but we can’t prove it. I couldn’t cope at that point. My dad came over to bury the dogs – and I had to leave. I couldn’t be there. I had had enough. I couldn’t do any more death… so I did my best not to feel for a while. I turned on autopilot & hoped for the best.
You know what happens when you turn on autopilot? You don’t live your life.
The days just blended together…the weeks just blended together too… and I did my best to distract my mind from reality. I functioned like that for several months. That’s what was easiest way for me to manage.
But that’s not what Michael would want me to do. That’s not what my friend Joan would want me to do. And that’s not what my furbabies would want me to do. We only get one life. And here I was sitting on the sidelines, trying my best not to feel. But that’s not what life is about. You have to feel it… all of it. Even when you don’t want to. Otherwise, you’re never going to get thru it.
I was never going to get through it if I didn’t let myself feel the full velocity of all that had transpired. That has made for some of the ugliest times of my life. You can not imagine how many breakdowns I have had & that I still have… breakdowns where I have probably appeared absolutely crazy.
But that’s ok.
When bad things happen, people say ‘Oh, be strong!’. I disagree with that 100x over. I tried to be strong… it didn’t work.
You know what I think?
When bad things happen, don’t be strong. Break. Fall apart. FEEL IT.
Being strong comes later.
Crystal the strength that I see in this post shows me that you are a true survivor in every single way! I love you to the moon and back and cannot wait to see you again someday! Love you so very much friend!!! Hang in there 🙂 one day you will find yourself on the other side of grief breathing easier <3
We’ve never met, but as a wife and mother, I’m compelled to reach out through the internet and hold you in my arms. Inner strength cannot be measured, and none of us wants to test the boundaries before a fallout occurs. I’ve enjoyed your blog and delicious recipes for a long time. The respect and admiration I have for you as a woman of courage has only increased in reading this post. God bless you and your children.
What an inspiration you are to all of us.especially your children. Often times we think we must be strong for them but they need to know it is ok to cry. Only after the greif and pain have subsided, it never goes away, can you be strong. God bless you
amen, sister! I’ve been through some very rough times too. There’s a cycle of grief you continuously go through and revisit often. Not everything is ok. Not everything is good, and we need to acknowledge it. I’m sure most of us will realize that there is good in the world, but in the moment of grief, it’s just grief. Praying for healing for you, and the rest of us, as we learn to live with our grief, and for some of us, to lean on God in the process. Hugs!
I found your blog last year just after your husband passed away. I was looking for a squash casserole recipe. (Which I have made several times! ) I have thought of you and your children often. I can’t begin to imagine what you have been thru but pray that you will find strength and courage for you and your children. God bless you!
I understand what you have been through , I came home for work to find out my husband had died . People did not know what to say to me, they were very uncomfortable. I was just empty and it took a year before I was able to start moving forward, I agree, take all the time you need and feel every thing.Move forward when you are able,be kind to your self and love your children with all your heart .
Crystal, I think of you often and wish you peace.
Stay strong and God Bless
My heart hurt for your loss when you first posted about it. My prayers have been for peace and strength and love and support for you and your children. There are many stages we go through after a loss of this magnitude. We all do it in our own way. I praise God that you’ve come through the thick murky mud and are now walking more freely. The loss is never far from mind but getting by day after day brings on more and more strength. You have touched many with your words and recipes and are greatly appreciated!! Thank you for sharing. God bless!!!
We have to grieve, just have to. And then when we think we are about done with that, well, then we try to start living again. It is hard, very hard, but we go on.
I am so sorry you and your family had to go through all of that. I just lost my husband of 35 years last month. And I can’t imagine adding everything else in the mix. I pray this is a better year for your family.
Wish I had known you and this way back when I was going through all of this. All the best to you!
It’s been over eight years since I lost my husband. It’s so hard to grieve so intensely, it is so painful. Cry, scream, pray, do whatever you have to to get through it.
My heart is with you with love in our unwanted sisterhood.
Crystal …
Yes. You are so right!
It’s also very hard to try & explain that– –to people who are going thru “things” —( + what may be more than relevant to one person, may mean nothing to the next! )— *but* regardless, the Moral to the story is the same! ) The moral to the story is :
“When bad things happen, don’t be strong. Break. Fall apart. FEEL IT.
Being strong comes later.”
exactly αs you stated it! . . .
( I’ll add “Live It!” . . . )
I have a story…which is…eerily similar to yours, (except, rewind to 1995)—sans car accident—I lost my job, not my car! ~~ Then, it was my husband– (not only was I not at home, I was more than 1/2 across the U.S. …on business -for a new job! He was 41) & our kids were with Him! . . . Some years later, I was visiting my best friend in my hometown…I left on a Monday to come back home-only-to find out the next day, she had passed suddenly, the afternoon-of–the–day-I left! She was 52. Then, yep—it was my Dog … (a best 4-legged friend of 8-short years!) Then…within the next 9 months, I lost my Younger Brother—He was 48, & I Miss Him Dearly, ~~~just like αℓℓ the others! There’s more, here, get this—In between, those years ~ I also lost 2-very Dear Friends from High School!— There were four of us, who were very very close . . . Two, so Sadly, are now gone—(& that doesn’t include my Bestie, that I mentioned above! )
Αℓℓ were nothing short of devastating. My Heart was Shattered…Broken, over & over & over again~ 0ℏ my ~does *this* Ever End? THIS IS too much! . . .
And I believe that ev-1 -deals- w/these matters in different ways, ( there is absolutely No -Right Way- because, You found a way to put it into words—
The bottom line remains the same!
Feel It. (and) >Live It.
So, regardless of –how– you ‘deal’
…if you jump back into your work . . . or …if you take 3-months off . . .
“When bad things happen, don’t be strong. Break. Fall apart. FEEL IT.
Being strong comes later.”
LIVE IT! . . .
It’s true, and, ~ is actually part of the “stages” of grief . . . YOU found a good way to put it into words!
My Aunt ( RIP ~ I Love You Aunt LoLo! ) used to tell me…
“This Too, Shall Pass” . . .
Yes, it’s so true, and she Was Right! . . .
>but that doesn’t mean to sweep –it– under the rug until it does . . .
Live it, Feel it, & it just might ‘pass’ sooner rather than later! . . .
Thank you Crystal, for sharing your story . . . I thought I was the only one who was bombarded by death and sadness . . . ( it helps to know that one is not alone in αℓℓ this, too! ) t/y ~ I wish You αℓℓ the best in the future!
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