This weekend, like clockwork, I’m struggling to feel like I’m staying afloat. My emotions are all over the place & the littlest thing either makes me cry or snap or a combination of both.
Today would have been mine & Mike’s wedding anniversary. We would have been together for 20 years this year. In case you are new here, Mike is my late husband – he passed away suddenly away in 2015 when he was 33. It’s a bit of a double whammy for me. It’s also the anniversary of my daddy’s death. He died in 2004 at 44. Both my dad & my late husband were named Michael, so I call them ‘my two Mikes’. I miss them daily, but when certain dates hit – like this one – and I’m very emotional.
Today, I woke up to rain and that certainly didn’t help my mood any. I woke up and cried for a few minutes… It was the very first thing I thought of when I opened my eyes. Stupid brain – why couldn’t it flood my brain with funny things instead? Like a good Carol Burnett routine or something like that ? I didn’t want to just lay in bed and cry so I decided that I was going to get up, get dressed, & put on some makeup. Make myself feel good, you know? That should help! Then, maybe get out of the house for a bit.
It wasn’t 5 minutes after I’d put my makeup on that something small made the tears come again, and the next thing I know – I can’t make the tears stop. My eye makeup was running down my chin at this moment, and there was no fixing it. I felt like I was done with the day and it was only 8am. I took off my makeup, put my pajamas back on, and crawled back in the bed. I slept on and off until about 10:30am (which is not like me, I’m usually up before the sun comes up). I wanted to start the day over. I needed to start the day over. Neither my late husband nor my late father would want me to spend my day like this.
So, I got up and took a long, hot shower. I used up every single bit of hot water that my water heater would give me. While I was in there, I doused myself in lavender essential oil. Literally – doused. Lavender is supposed to help stress & lighten your mood, right? Then I got out of the shower and proceeded to bathe myself in Aveda’s stress relief lotion…. So, I basically smelled like an incense store at this point but whatever. Next, a facial. I grabbed my favorite sheet mask and a cup of coffee. I slathered some leave in conditioner on my hair & slipped on my most comfy slippers. A mini spa treatment at home, if you will.
I needed some calm. And that honestly helped so much. I can’t tell you how much better I felt afterwards. It’s important to practice some self love when we are having hard days. So important.
It’s now a bit after noon and I feel way better than I did this morning. So much better, in fact, that I might try that whole ‘getting out of the house’ thing again.
Someone said to me last year on this day – ‘dates schmates – it’s just a number on a calendar. Get over it’. I must say, that was super helpful. I mean, it just made me feel oodles better. Oodles.
I’ve thought of that comment many times today, and I think it’s crap. I want you all to know that it’s crap.
Loss is hard. Whether it be your husband, wife, parent, child, grandparent, friend, etc – loss is hard. The hardest thing you will ever have to face in life. When anniversaries and birthdays and such hit, those are hard. Don’t let anyone tell you any differently.
I halfway didn’t write this because I don’t want anyone to think that I’m doing it for attention or sympathy or any thing of that nature. That’s sometime a fine line to walk between trying to give support to others & feeling like I’m cry babying about missing my husband.
I’m writing this because I know that I’m not the only one who is dealing with loss. I share with you my story and struggles in the hopes that I can help someone else. Many of you have reached out to me with your own similar stories and I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that it’s ok to be sad when those dates hit – no matter how long it has been. I want you to know there is no right or wrong way to handle your grief journey. I want you to know there is no time limit. I want you to know that I understand how lonely it can feel when you’ve lost someone special. I want you to know that I understand when you break down.
I also want you to know that I believe in you. I believe that you will pick yourself back up after you’ve fallen. I believe that you are strong. I believe that you are capable. I want you to know that life is beautiful. I want you to know that there will be bad days, but there will be so many more good days.
I want you to know that while sometimes the waves of grief are huge and will swallow you whole – that there are so many more times where the waters are calm and peaceful. Storms will come and go and they will stir up those huge waves, but the storm will pass and the waters will be calm again.
It might be stormy now, but it can’t rain forever.
I’m going to get through today. And I know you can too. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear whatever today throws at us.
I am much older than you in fact I will in two weeks be 69. My husband and I will soon celebrate 42 years. But there have been many losses and disappointments along the way. People have advised that as a Christian I should not mourn but look for joy. And I have thanked them and felt so guilty. But with age and Bible study I have been reminded that Jesus wept. He mourned. And the Bible tells us that there will be long nights but Joy comes in the morning. We are not yet perfect and there will be days of recurring sadness and feelings of loss. As long as we do not stay under the covers all day every day. I love the real Ness of your posts and I have prayed for you. Have your days of sadness BUT rejoice in the other days.
I’m so sorry. Grieve as long as you need to. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Thank you, Crystal for writing this post. I still mourn my parents and now the first one of us five siblings is terminally ill. She is my only sister and we are very close. This will be a tough loss for me. I know everyone goes through this pain at some time in their life but it helps to know I’m not the only one who can’t get out of bed and cries at inappropriate times.
Hugs to you & the kids,
Thank you for sharing. I need to remember that my friends who have suffered great loss need extra encouragement on those “dates”. You did a beautiful job sharing. I pray your day improved. And tomorrow is a new day – may it be awesome!
I am crying for you as I read this. My husband of 47 years passed away suddenly the end of May. This year would be two years. Last week, no anniversary, no birthday, no special date at all, I had gone out to lunch, came home and just started to cry; I could not stop. In fact, I actually cried myself to sleep. I don’t remember crying that hard when he passed, Maybe shock? Who knows, but it wasn’t a good night at all. I guess we do have to go on, but it isn’t the same, and you are so young. May your soul find peace in the loss of both your husband and father.
I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to have anniversary of the deaths of your husband and your father on the same day. And days of rain can make these days more difficult. Thank you for sharing and letting the rest of us know it is okay when we grieve so deeply and long over the loss of people we love. I will include in my prayers today.
My gosh, I’m crying with you! Hopefully tomorrow is a little brighter for you. I haven’t lost a spouse, but I have lost three people who meant the world to me. They have been gone several years but, dates are hard matter how long it’s been.
My sincere sympathy for your losses.
We always miss those we love. My heart goes out to you.. sending you a cyber hug!
I’m very sorry for both of your losses…. each persons grief is different, it takes as long as it takes.. there is no time limit… I lost my husband in 2016 and I still have melt downs from time to time..
Our 54 th anniversary was on April 2nd & yep it was a hard day for me… no matter how much you remember all the good & happy things you still feel the loss & emptiness.
I hope that writing about your journey helps you… you have my support & prayers… Thank You for sharing
I’m so sorry for your pain. I can’t imagine losing my husband at such a young age. There is a wonderful book by Dana St. John called “Grace in the Fray” that would bless you. She was widowed at 45 when her husband was killed in a plane crash so they did have more years together than you and your husband did but no matter how many years the pain is still there.. you can get the book thru Amazon if your interested. Anyway my prayers are with you and yours.
One of your followers..
Thank you, Crystal, for letting us share your day. I haven’t lost what you’ve lost and I sure can’t say “I know how you feel,” but I do know that you wouldn’t have such sorrow for someone or something that wasn’t wonderful. There are no answers for such early deaths, but I’ll bet your two men were smiling as you battled through the tears, determined to get to the other side one more time. Again, thanks for sharing. I’ll be praying for you.
Heartfelt feelings. So glad you were able to share your honesty. You have helped many people today. Thank you. All the best.
After the loss of my son I learned to look for pennies from Heaven. I still find one at the most unexpected moments. I still grieve and miss him, but it is better. I am truly sorry for your losses. I will keep you in my prayers.
Grief is a tough thing. I hope you have peace and remember all the good times. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with crying and venting. It’s hard when we lose someone. It hurts and it is just not fair. Sharing your thoughts is therapy for you and your readers. We support you and have felt sorrow with you. We also feel your joys as you share different parts of your life. Thank you for your blog. It is wonderful. Best wishes along life’s journey.
I certainly hope it wasn’t a ‘friend ‘ who made such a thoughtless comment…getting up and going forward after loss is brave and no one should be judged for their pain. I hope you spent more time on yourself during the rest of your day. My best to you.
Your writing puts into words what I have experienced in my journey without my husband. Grieving is hard work. I know there are people that want to help us through the process, but I’ve found that most of the journey is traveled alone. A sight, a sound, for me a smell, a date, can still cause tears 12 years later. Thank you for sharing and letting us get a glimpse of your journey. Self love and care are what we need to survive. Wrapping you in a gentle hug.
I have not been through what you are going through, at least not in losing your husband. I am praying for you as you walk through this journey. I agree, it is different for everyone, this grief journey. Praying you will sense God’s presence and comfort and peace.
Thank you so muchfor sharing!! I just shared your post. So meaningful and beautiful! Thank you again…it’s not a pitty-party it’s HELPING 💞
I thought the anniversary was coming up as I signed on in 2014 and remember all you have gone through since. I just want to say : do your thing-grieve as long as you need to , be angry, be you !!!! You and your family have gone through alot ..
I am here if you need someone to talk to (and no I am not a Carol Burnett Stalker!! hahahahahaha, but I did love her show !!). Hugs dear lady !
“They” say time heals all wounds. I say “they” lie. With time, yes the intense, gut-ripping pain does ease (most of the time), but just like the ocean waves, there are those “sneakers” who come out of the blue and lay you flat. It will eventually get to the place where the pond is generally placid, but still beware the sneakers. The road you were on has taken a turn you weren’t expecting and it has become narrower; the life-plan you had laid out in your mind has to change with the changes in the road…scary, unknown and without the partner you depended on. Your strength is far greater than you think as you walk through each day. Care for yourself, you deserve to be pampered, and be gentle with yourself as you find your way through the maze.
Wow! So very sorry! I lost my husband when I was 34. So hard, send love and healing
You are stronger than you realize, I know that your Michael’s are so proud of you! Wow, so very powerful and beautifully written. I needed to read this tonight (this morning), a good bump! Thanks for sharing.
*God, not good
I often read your posts and think how strong and brave you are! Even the name of your blog tugs at my heart… you never expected that you’d be anything but a happy married homemaker and now you’ve found yourself walking down a road no one would ever choose to travel. You are an amazing woman and you deserve to feel sad when grief overtakes you and to restore your self in your own time. Anyone who tells you it’s just a date hasn’t known the sorrow and loss you feel… everyday, but most poignantly on certain days. I’m glad you were able to give yourself the special care you needed to get you through this day!! ((HUGS))
Jus wants to say thank you for sharing.
Crystal, back when your girls were toddlers, I formed a MIPS group (Mothers’ Intercessory & Prayer Support), and your Angel of a Mother was first to join. She was my rock, and I see so much of her in you! We became choir buddies, and about 9 years ago she made me an Angel Coral bead bracelet that became a prayer chain to represent our daughters. I have not taken it off in all those years! I have celebrated your mountains and prayed you through your valleys, and always, always believed in your perseverance! Life is a series of chapters, but we have the choice whether to turn the page and continue, or to revisit past chapters and mourn or rejoice on those pages previously turned. You have the power to feed your soul as is needed. I love how you bare that part of you in your blogs. My private journals are testimonies to how I became who I am today, and I have taught myself to look back on the scars without opening the wounds. Just this last month my daughter has been able to leave a very long journey through the valley and is climbing the mountain of Restoration! I can finally see that her light in the tunnel is actually a beacon in the lighthouse that will shine to lead others to safety! You, too, have become a beacon of encouragement to so many and I am so proud of you! Whenever in doubt, read our MIPS mantra: Joel 2:25. Blessings, Ms Jan
Life is not easy, going through some stuff myself and finding myself crying constantly. Hard to function.
Crystal, You have been so strong and courageous in sharing your grief. It is a hard and exhausting journey, to be a widow. It has been 11 years since I lost my husband when he was only 50 and I was 45. I relate to everything you have said here. You are not alone and I believe in you, too. Thank you for having the ability to verbalize the feelings that are so overwhelming. I love how you said, “It might be stormy now, but it can’t rain forever.” There is hope for clear skies.